An Abuse Dictionary: Terms You Need to Know
In my articles and on my website, I use a variety of terms to describe the crazy, traumatic, and often dehumanizing tactics deployed by an abusive personality against his or her target. Many of my readers are familiar with these terms, since they’re common to nearly all abusive relationships. However, a refresher is always good, and if you’re just becoming aware of what’s going on in your life and determined to educate yourself as much as possible, a list of these terms can be very helpful.
However, this list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg — there are so many more I could mention, but I don’t want the article to run too long. If you have any other terms you’d like to add to the list, please let me know.
An Abuse Dictionary
Abuse Cycle — The Abuse Cycle is a four-stage pattern of behavior that can be seen in many (but not all) abusive relationships. These four stages of the Cycle of Abuse are generally known as tension, incident, reconciliation, calm. However, some experts use different terms (for example, “honeymoon” instead of “reconciliation”).
Not all abusive relationships are cyclical, so the four-stage cycle of abuse isn’t accurate for everyone. Even so, it’s true in many toxic interactions, and it helps identify how the pattern of abuse can play out in some relationships. Keep in mind, though, that the cycle of abuse doesn’t take into account the individuality of each person or relationship, or how a victim might experience abuse from their partner. Read more about the abuse cycle: “Unwittingly Describing the Abuse Cycle”
Baiting — If you’re with someone who uses abusive tactics as a means of manipulating and controlling their relationship, you may have experienced “baiting.” This is when your partner provokes a strong reaction from you, pushing you beyond your limits until you respond in an angry or desperate manner.
Once you’ve taken the “bait” and reacted strongly, your partner has created a way to retaliate. You may be accused of being the abuser in the relationship, or told that you’re crazy and unhinged.
You’re none of those things! It’s important to renounce those lies. For example, you can pray, “In the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that I’m crazy. In the name of Jesus, I take back the truth that I’m strong and I have my own God-given mind.”
Belittling — Pretending verbal abuse is “just a joke” and that sarcasm is acceptable is another distinct and damaging form of abuse. “Just a joke” and sarcasm are both covert attacks at your very personhood, and are demeaning to your dignity as a person made in the image and likeness of God. See “Under My Thumb: Coercive Control and the Sensitive Victim” and “Sarcasm as a Weapon: An Insidious Tactic of Verbal Abuse” for more information.
Breadcrumbing — Breadcrumbing occurs when an abusive individual drops small crumbs of tenderness, warmth, or positive attention into their relationship. The goal is that of keeping you hooked with the delusion that love and mutual affection can actually exist between the two of you.
This type of emotional abuse habituates you into tolerating toxic behavior — all with your perpetual hope of receiving some crumbs of love from time to time.
Cognitive Dissonance — Cognitive dissonance describes the excruciating confusion of trying to grasp two contradictory beliefs at the same time. For example, if you’re a victim of domestic abuse, it’s likely very difficult to reconcile the “Dr. Jekyll” part of your partner with their “Mr. Hyde” side.
Cognitive dissonance is particularly distressing when we intuitively know the truth, yet we doubt our own reality (see “Gaslighting”). What we see at any given time isn’t necessarily what we get — and this is so painfully confusing.
Crazy-Making — Have you ever been told that you’re crazy, that maybe something is wrong with your head (whether psychologically or medically), that you’re losing you’re grip on reality? Perhaps you feel you are. Yet deep down, your gut intuition says NO!Your perceptions are real, even if they are being constantly denied and countered(see above). Well, that’s crazy-making at its best. If you doubt yourself, your beliefs and preferences, if you can’t seem to do things on your own any longer, crazy-making may be at play. Crazy-making includes denial of things the abuser has done, claimed, or statements they’ve made in the past; twisting situations to place responsibility onto you in an attempt to prove your mental instability or sketchy memory; and outright lying to further convince you of how crazy you are.
Gaslighting — This tactic encompasses so much. For example, crazy-making, countering, denial … these are all forms of gaslighting.
Gaslighting happens when a person uses subtle ways to condition and convince his or her target that their own reality, feelings and beliefs are inaccurate. Typically, a gaslighter uses various covert tactics in order to consciously or even unconsciously brainwash their victim. For example, they might deny saying or doing something that they obviously said or did, or they might convince you that you heard wrong or that your memory is faulty.
If you’re a victim of gaslighting, you may doubt yourself and even your own sanity, which leads to greater dependence upon others — especially upon the person who is gaslighting you. You find yourself turning to them to define your reality, because you no longer feel strong enough to trust your own perceptions.
Hoovering — (see below, “Love bombing”) Once the relationship has been established and the toxic part of the individual shows up, the abuse cycle begins in earnest. After an abusive incident escalates, the person with narcissistic traits may afterward act contrite and begin another round of flattery, gifts, being extra kind, etc. This stage of the abuse cycle is designed to suck you back into the web of the relationship and is called “hoovering,” named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner.
